I have a 19% chance of becoming schizophrenic

"There is (also) evidence that some people believe in the probability of an event by the vividness with which they can imagine it." -Wolpert

Every time it storms, my mind decides that the more I think about lightning striking me, the more likely the chances are that it will occur. I start thinking about all of the electronic devices or metal that I have on me. Or the fact that I'm holding an umbrella, also dubbed a lightning rod. I think of the time my professor missed school for about a week because lightning had struck through his living room, narrowly missing his dogs. I even go so far as to think of the quote (not so sure if it's a viable statistic) "more people die being struck by lightning than in plane crashes."

Referring to the title of this entry, it's true. 19% isn't a lot. Unless you think of it as 1/5 of 100%. Or, more than zero. I don't know how reliable this statistic is, either, but when I'm fixating on it, that doesn't really matter. I feel like the more I dwell on the fact that I have a chance of exhibiting schizophrenic symptoms sometime in my life, the likelier it is to happen.

On a lighter note, another excerpt from the book discussed symptoms people have had from mania. A gentleman had decided he was a lion and went into a restaurant and ate raw meat. A lady bought a collection of Penguin books to start up a penguin colony. That cracks me up even though it shouldn't, considering mania is a type of intense depression.

Quick question

I completely believe in evolution, don't get me wrong, but...if the idea of an ape becoming a human over the ages is true, why aren't there stages of ape-humans in existence today? Know what I mean? There are apes and there are humans but I don't know of any mammals that look like a mix of the two. I would think that there would be a whole slew of "in the middles."

I'm just baffled that, with this theory being true, the two species are at opposite ends of the ape to human spectrum. I understand that one had to become the other but having nothing in between confuses me. I'm sure there is an answer to this, I just can't figure it out.

The Promise

Brandon Williamson

I don't even know where to begin. We dated on and off from 8th grade until we graduated high school in 2005. I won't delve into the details of why we aren't together because that would be insulting your common sense, but I will say this...

While he may have been my only actual boyfriend, I know in my heart he'd still have been better than any other guy I could have dated. I don't believe that you can know anything is 100% factual or plausible so I'll just say that I know Brandon is 99.99% perfect. Like, really. I'm not one of those people who think everyone is trustworthy and naturally good in their heart. Most of the time, I get "bad vibes" from people and they turn out to be somewhat true. In Brandon's case, I know for a fact that he will be faithful and honest and kind-hearted as long as he lives. He's a true gentleman.

I regret hurting him. There have been times I wish I could take it back. But then I realized that I'd be hurting us both if I ever tried to. I loved us but I know I could never give him what he truly needs.

I went to his wedding last year. It was really kind of sad 'cause I knew that could've been me. Brandon & Krista Williamson. Nah...I adore the guy but he loves Jesus and wants to procreate. Yikes:).

Bitter/Not Sweet

It's hard to write down my emotions because they change from one second to the next. In five minutes, these feelings will have subsided and I'll be fine. Then, they will come back. They always come back. It may takes weeks or months, but they always do.

Sometimes I feel like I'm holding onto something. Holding onto something that I never had in the first place. Holding onto nothing. A thought.. a brief moment where I felt wanted.

It's not about attraction or lust. It's about not succeeding. Not being "that person" for someone. For most people, when someone is distant, they try harder to keep that person close to them. They go the extra distance to show how much they care. Love obviously played a huge part, but the other part was the need to feel like I changed someone for the better. I didn't and that kills me. It shouldn't. It shouldn't because they aren't worth it. And not even in a mean way. They just aren't worth me breaking my own heart over. Especially if it's mostly about me, anyway.

Although I have brief, bitter, sad moments, I am okay and I've been okay since I walked away.

It's easy to walk away when there was no one to walk away from in the first place.

Katie overload

I know I posted about her recently but I'm pretty sure I could talk about her for the rest of my life and it still wouldn't suffice for the attention she's deserved. Anyway, she's adorable and this is why:

The 2 people who read this will understand :).

Finished Product!

Awesome!!!