Morbid or Weird, your choice

Pancake and I are talking about coming to terms with death.

But before I talk about that, I'd like to pause and talk about how hard the English language is for those who must learn it. "Coming to terms with death" would make absolutely NO sense to me if I were learning English. Even with English being my one and only language, I only know what it means because it's the phrase we use when we're trying to understand death. Otherwise, it doesn't quite make sense. That's pretty much true with all of the sayings we have. I can't even think of a good example because everything we say involves idioms, slang, and synonyms. Or contractions, hyphens, and semi-colons. Even putting a word in italics for emphasis is kind of ridiculously hard to grasp! I'm flustered just thinking about it.

Okay, I'm back. I'm not going to talk about coming to terms with death because that phrase is unexplainable, as it has a different meaning for everyone. It's scary to think about and will be nothing like what you imagine it to be, until it happens. And it'll be different with each person, if you happen to outlast them.

Now for my weird thought of the day. I have thought about this many times and verbalized it a couple of times. Here we go: I have this idea (or something) that everyone has an invisible clock above their head that is counting down the days, hours, seconds until they die. I don't know how this came about in my head but it did and it hasn't gone away. I don't sit around thinking about it day and night but it does cross my mind once every few months. This imagery kind of depicts (for me) the mystery of when we'll die. We all have an expiration date and none of us know when that will be. Even someone planning to commit suicide this weekend could die in a car accident tomorrow morning. None of us know when or how, but our clock is continuously counting down.

Morbid or weird, it's actuality. People believe in all kinds of things that can't be seen or felt, so I'll choose this one! After all, not seeing is believing.

I'm really SOL on title ideas right now

In my 23/almost 24 years of existence, I'd say I've traveled a fair share. 4 countries. 22, soon to be 23 states. I'd prefer a lot more but I'm happy to have experienced all of those places thus far.

In most cases, my fantasy of the destination I was going to has been much more exciting and vast than the actual place itself. I hate to use the word fantasy because it conjures up mini Harry Potters and bright My Little Pony stickers but you know what I mean.

I have definitely been to some awe-inspiring, jaw-dropping places but they still haven't beckoned my eternal existence. Haha, that was a serious sentence right there! But really, I'm ready to go somewhere that I refuse to leave. I better start taking some beginner classes in different languages 'cause I want it all! And I want it now! (is that a song?)

And is leaving permanently what I really want? I don't hate it here. My family and friends are here. Which like I said a few weeks ago, are everything. Maybe since I'm not having children (unless I adopt), I'll just travel the world and be an ultra-tourist but keep my feet loosely rooted here. Loosely just in case something comes and sweeps me off my ass (more than likely I'll be sitting, not standing) to an amazing, fantastical place!

Title McTitleson

I'm having an inner-debate. Well, I'm not really sure if I can call it a debate because I'm not sure if the two thoughts I'm having can be pitted against each other. Not in the way I'm thinking of them, at least.

Thought 1:

When someone is feeling sad or sorry for themselves, I initially think about what their situation is. It's natural to wonder why and make assumptions from the outside looking in. In most cases, looking in isn't really what's happening, though. Looking around is probably a more correct way to put it. I'm looking around them at what I think I know. I analyze events, moments shared between us, things they've said (whether aloud ((aka facebook)) or in passing ((um, while drunk?))), forget what I'm even thinking about, and then make a grand assumption on what their problem is.

Notice how I went from saying they're sad to saying they have a problem. Those two words can easily go hand in hand in some instances but in this case that's just my tacky, exaggerated prose taking over and confusing fiction and super-fiction.

Okay, so, my usual answer to why I feel someone is sad or feeling sorry for themselves isn't even an answer. And by "someone," I mean myself. Now you're probably (more) confused, wondering what the hell I'm talking about with this "looking in" and "looking around" bullshit. Well honestly, I don't know myself very well.

I was going to try and make that sound more humorous or profound but it's not that funny. Or deep. It is what it is. Now back to the non-answer: While attending my self-thrown pity-party, I eventually tell myself that I shouldn't be sad because things could be so much worse for me. I could be missing a limb. I could live in another country where women are nothing. I could have rabies. Or babies. Enough examples, you get the point. I almost always tell myself that I should just stop being selfish because there's a much more sad world out there than what I see and feel.

Thought 2:

While it is very accurate to say that there is a much sadder world than the one I have been dealt, I don't find it selfish to be sad about my life. After all, it's my life. Ethnocentrism is looked down upon because of the selfishness that it relates itself to. I don't like the idea of people only seeing their country and their life and taking no mind of what's going on outside of their small universe. Having said that, I also find it hard to have a worldly view/attitude towards life. Unless you've visited and experienced it, you don't really know. It's understandable to only understand and have an interest in what you're doing. We can feel for the people in Haiti and donate to them, but we will never know what it's truly like to live how they're living at this moment in time. Or how about the residents of Martha's Vineyard? We don't know what it's like to be them, either, and they're American. I just wanted to say that because not all examples have to induce sorrowful feelings for third-world countries.

I'm sure I've completely lost you, as I've lost myself, but I'm going to try and verbalize the two sides of the debate into two phrases just so I don't feel like this is a useless, unfinished post.

Your life isn't that bad, stop your crying versus You can cry whenever you want

I think I agree more with crying whenever I want because like I said, life to me...is my life. THEE ENDDD.

Alright

So I ended up not going to that party.

But I didn't go out, either.

Success? Success! G'night!

I'm going

to a party tonight. Birthday party for Daisi/Daisy. It's in Lewisville. At Desiree's apartment.

I hope it doesn't suck. I feel it has the potential to blow or be awesome.

I'm so tired of the "gayborhood." (the fact that it's nicknamed that is silly enough) I would prefer to stay away from there for at least a couple months. Problem is, my friends can't seem to fathom that there are places we can hang out and have a good time that don't include Sue's or S4. When I think about it, the last time I had a blast on Cedar Springs was probably a few years ago.

I don't have a point to this post. At all. Unless it actually helps me remember to stop doing what isn't fun.

Streetlight

Currently Reading

Six Impossible Things Before Breakfast

Childhood trends/memories/whatever

• Skip-its
• Power Rangers
• Slip & Slides
• Rugrats
• Pogs & Slammers
• Yo-Yo's
• Field Trips
• Beanie Babies
• Flintstone Vitamins
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
• Guts
• Super Mario Bros.
• Duck Hunt
• Babysitters Club
• Animaniacs
• Pluto being a planet
• Space Jam
• Goosebumps
• Scholastic Book Fairs
• Donkey Kong
• Eureka's Castle
• Pizza Hut Book Club pin
• Jncos'
• Hungry, Hungry Hippos
• Tomagochis
• Baby-G watches
• Sonic the Hedgehog
• Candy cigarettes
• Doogie Howser
• Doom
• Trouble
• Sorry!
• VHS
• Razor scooters
• Finger skateboards
• Jellies
• Mr. Jim's Pizza
• Light-up shoes
• Carmen Sandiego
• Sticker earrings
• Oregon Trail
• PAWS
• Doug
• Full House
• Doc Martens
• Limited Too
• Land of the Lost
• Gym class parachutes
• Jump Rope for Heart
• Surge
• Inspector Gadget
• Safety Patrol
• Lego my Eggos
• Dunkaroos
• Coooooookie Crisps
• Cubbies
• Excellent, Satisfactory, Unsatisfactory
• Bill Nye
• 7th Heaven
• Legends of the Hidden Temple
• Salute Your Shorts
• Clarissa Explains It All
• Fraggle Rock
• Fruit Stripes Gum (and their sweet tattoos)
• Dinosaurs
• Saved By The Bell
• Yoohoo
• Family Matters
• Step by Step
• Ovaltine
• Tornado Drills
• All That
• Onomatopoeias, Similes, Metaphors, Personification, Assonance, Alliteration
• Push-pops
• Cluster Track Meet
• Winnie the Pooh
• Fruit Rollups
• What Would You Do?
• Wild & Crazy Kids
• Are You Afraid of the Dark?

What am I forgetting?

Elizabeth Ziesemann

My first girlfriend. If not for her, I may still be dating guys. She opened up a world of emotions and feelings for me that I didn't know existed. I'm thankful she came into my life. I love and miss her dearly.

Ultimate Thankful Thursday

It's not Thursday yet but I don't have any other ideas to write about and I'm on the brink of a Benadryl-induced coma. I've never taken it before. I have never really had allergies but now I think I'm allergic to the cats at my mom's house. I guess I had gotten used to hairless cats and a dog that doesn't shed. I took 3/4 of a god-damn adderall (I couldn't break one in half if my life depended on it) to wake up and be able to leave and now I'm staying home, haha. I hope it doesn't kick in. I think it already is, though. Oh well.

We started "Thankful Thursday" about two or three months ago. And by 'we' I mean Reice, Kaitlyn, Lauren, Krystle, Angela, and me. We were at El Arroyo drinking margaritas like always and decided to be extra thankful about things (mostly silly, idiotic things) the next day. I was told more than once that I wasn't participating enough, so I will now.

I'm seriously thankful for having a family that loves me. Even if it's in weird, unspoken ways. I'm thankful that I have friends. They may annoy me time and time again but I'm still glad I have people like them that I can count on. I'm thankful for caffeine in the form of soda. I'm thankful for jeans. I could not handle wearing dresses or slacks every day. Gross. I'm thankful that I was born without any serious issues and that I still have all of my senses intact. I'm thankful I haven't had to deal with anyone close to me dying. I'm thankful someone invented glasses/contacts. I'm thankful for books. Good ones. I'm thankful I was born in America, for many reasons. One being because we have running, mostly-uncontaminated water.

[insert: Hey, dry mouth! Fuck you.]

Super-serial thanks go to: kittens, porcelain turtles, Crocodile, origami birds, Rooster Booster, Casey, Niero, Pancake, Chicken Express Sweet Tea, Indiana, Bernice, KT, Peanut, K-Tol, Victor, Liz, being called Krista Moore, Quinn, JC, happy hour, '80s music, Barefoot White Zin, the color red, Band-Aids, AJ, pain medication, tampons, H&M coming to Northpark, toenail clippers, tweezers, sleeping in newly cleaned bed sheets, baby owls, postcards, Tons, razors.

It's taken me so long to write this that it may in fact be Thursday by now. Either way, Happy Thanksgiving. Enjoy family time and all that generic shit. Goodnight!

6ish

"Aren’t you afraid people will think you’re gay?" is what I get a lot for being friends with Krista. Damn, if I knew it was going to cause this much of a stir I would have dropped her ass a long time ago…. just kidding! Gay or straight, Krista is truly my best friend. Yes, people pass judgment and yes, it gets annoying, but I could care less. I mean hey, I’m not faultless... I’m black!

I don’t really know what it’s like to have a true GAY friend. Kris and I dress pretty much the same...comfortable. She’s not the flashy type of gay who you could just look at and be like 'yep, she’s a homo.' I actually find myself wanting to be engulfed in the "gay culture." I go out to gay bars and clubs and I have an absolute ball! I actually feel really comfortable with them. The scary, monster gays, that is. They don’t judge me. Well, they do judge but it’s not about my race; more so about peoples clothes and makeup. Not about me being "whitewashed" or "black" in an upper-middle class neighborhood.

Maybe I’m the ignorant one, but I don’t see any difference between having a girl friend that is straight or gay. It’s not like Kris or my other gay friends are trying to turn me gay! Hell, I might actually be happier if I could be gay. None of this marriage and baby pressure. To sum it up, Kris is badass even though she prefers boobs to pecks!

______________________________________

It's kind of funny/interesting to get this different perspective. Outside perspective, persay. I think I, as well as a lot of gay people I know, have surrounded ourselves with completely accepting people so it's weird to hear that people are still being...well, typical. It's slightly bothersome that people question people about whether or not their gay friend is trying to "turn them gay." I thought that whole idealogy was extinct. Guess not.

An example that directly relates to this post: Jurica (it's obviously no secret who wrote that, haha) told me that Kaley's family, whom I've known since childhood, asked her one time if people think she's gay when she goes out with me. I think her answer was something like "I don't really know or care." My answer to that is a question: Does going out with Jurica make me black?

But really......people need to wake up and stop making idiotic, baseless assumptions. Does opening the refrigerator make you a bottle of milk? Does going to a Cowboys game make you a Cowboy? Does shopping at White Barn make you a candle? I can keep going until my point has been thoroughly proven.

Envious

Adderall is used to help people with ADD focus. When I first tried it a while back, it did just that. I wanted to go out that night and a friend gave me 2. I took half of one (like, 5mg) and I wrote the paper I needed to write in about an hour. It was awesome. I stayed up dancing until the wee hours of the morning and didn't even feel the slightest bit tired.

Taking it now is so much different. My pills are 30 mgs. The most you can have in one pill, I think. Now, I mostly take it because I'm feeling exhausted and need to wake up and make it through the duration of my work day. It can start working relatively instantly or take an hour or two to kick in. I can always tell when it starts to work because all of a sudden I'm super lively and in the best mood. I want to make everyone happy and be their best friend forever and ever. I start texting everyone incessantly and won't shut up. I also adopt this sense of self-esteem that I don't have without it. I talk to people with more confidence and candor. I talk peoples faces off that I wouldn't speak to at all without having taken it.

Within a few hours, I've already come down from it and I'm sleepy. I could literally nap 3 hours later if I wanted. Being able to do that seems crazy to me. Oh well, maybe not. A few side-effects that accompany adderall are dry mouth, headaches, loss of appetite, and irritability. I also experience some other things but I won't discuss those here, haha.

I think I wanted to write about this because I envy those few people who can be "up" without taking something like adderall. My best example to that is Reice. Sure, he's sleepy in the morning and annoyed when annoying things happen, but overall he's genuinely high-spirited. In a good mood probably 90% of the time, even if he's going through hard times. He's very positive and has the "what's going to happen will happen and I can't stop it so I'll be content in my life until then" mentality. I'm jealous. I'm a worry-wart.

I wish I could be ecstatic and ballsy and witty without a damn pill helping me. And for more than a short period of time. I say that because a lot of times I'll regret things that I've offered or agreed to do after the addy has stopped working. I do it ALL THE TIME. I should at least realize that I don't have to be a saint whilst in an amazing mood! But no. Until I can learn how to be content without a substance, I may as well use it unwisely. :)

Drinking

doesn't really live up to it's name. Which of course has many meanings, anyway.

It's a depressant. When can you honestly remember a time that it didn't make you feel in the least bit down? If you're thinking of certain times, you're lucky. I've had many, many fun nights involving alcohol but the majority of those have involved miserable next days so that negates an entire fun time. There have always been consequences to that awesome night.

I enjoy drinking just to relax, or with friends at a restaurant, but more and more I've noticed that going out and drinking just isn't my thing anymore. Maybe to take out the finality of that statement, I'll say that it's not my thing at the moment. It may become my thing in the future, but at this time, it's not. I prefer a chill evening and a glass of wine as opposed to a dance floor and a bar tab.

It may be because I don't go with the same people now that I went with when I first started going out a lot. They've all...stopped. For one reason or another. I feel like I need to do that, too. I need a break. I need to find something better to do with my time. What, though? I work M-F and have the weekends off so Saturday nights are always the nights that I'm itching to go out. I'm too ADD and anxious to lay around and watch movies all day and night or I would.

I want/need to find something to fulfill my need for entertainment that doesn't involve drinking and regrets. Drinking AKA regrets. Who knows what that'll be 'cause I've been waiting for the answer to that for a long time and nothing has surfaced. Oh well.

I guess I could just get over myself for long enough to realize that it's okay to do nothing. Doing nothing is something we don't take advantage of enough. And by we, I mean the American working class. We work too much and spend our weekends doing everything we can not to think about work. Lettuce relax and enjoy the quiet nights that ask nothing of us but our acquaintance, if that.

Girl America

Say no to bulimia!

My family and I were at the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo in Colorado Springs. We stumbled upon this gorilla who would throw up, eat it, and force himself to throw it up again. This cycle didn't stop the entire time we were in the primate area. I hope the zoo workers got a handle on this sad cry for help! Haha, but really. Gross. Gross enough to want to show you :D!

Whereto?

A co-worker was laid off today. Kind of shocking because well, it was a shock. That makes me nervous because if someone has to go next, it's totally me. Krystle asked me if I want to end up getting a new job eventually or stay at the one I have. I seem to get asked that a lot.

I don't really know what to say. I mean, for now this job is okay. I have my own office, good hours, and a good friend working with me. It's just not what I majored in. I don't really know why the hell I majored in Marketing but it's a done deal. I know you're telepathically trying to tell me I can go back to school and "be whatever I want," but it's not that easy. It's usually the people who got all their school paid for telling me that, too, so I don't think they quite understand. Maybe I'll change my mind in a few years and regret not going back to school for Journalism or Archaeology, but as of right now I'm not going back. I don't want that burden. Mentally, physically, or monetarily. I may not love my job but I do love having the weekends off. I love having time to read a book or go on a random vacation. A lot of people who love their job can't tell me the last time they did something enjoyable that didn't involve work. Well, I can. It's give and take, I suppose.

To sum up my answer to Krystle: I said that I don't really know. Right now, it's okay but if I ever do want to change jobs, I want to change my entire location. I want to experience a new place. I just don't know how or where I'm going to accomplish this.

Twice in a week, I know.

Awesome mash-up!

I love Katie

She texted me about Harry Potter coming out this week and that her and my mom may go see it at midnight on Thursday. I love the things that excite my 20-year old sister. Not that I'm not completely excited for Harry Potter, too, but still! I just think it's cute that she thinks of texting me about it.

I just hope my mom doesn't let her down.

Currently Reading

Here If You Need Me

I bought this for Jill last Christmas. She finally got around to reading it recently and insisted that I read it, so I am. I don't mind reading things that I normally wouldn't every now and again.

My lips are burning

I know that a lot of Americans are rude and have poor manners but shit, people from all over the world are just the same or worse.

My legs and feet hurt so I'm not going to write about today until later. I know that doesn't make sense.

Coming home tomorrow! Then I can be lazy alllllllllll day and never walk again :D.

---------

Okay, I guess I'll finish talking about the trip. Sunday morning we woke up and went to Central Park. Picturesque to say the least. Probably my favorite part of the trip. Then we went to the Met, which was awesome. Sadly, we didn't get to fully experience it since our time was so limited. After that, we walked across Central Park, by Belvedere Castle and the Great Lawn to The Museum of Science and Natural History. I wasn't interested in it at all. I can't help it. Seeing stuffed animals behind glass doesn't enthrall me. Angela loved it, though. I would have enjoyed it more if I could have spent a whole day devoted to it so I wouldn't have been spending my time wondering what other awesome shit I was missing out on outside. Um, then we went back to Times Square because Angela needed to go into the Hershey's Store, M&M World, and PopTart World. PopTart World was closed by 6 which is some bs for the city that never sleeps. We ate at Pax Wholesome Foods..eh, just food. We sat by the theater that's showing Pee-Wee Herman for a long time contemplating what to do, meandered around the square looking for souvenirs and then went back to the hotel.

Monday morning we got up really early, checked out that cemetery, drove through Brooklyn over some bridge into New Jersey on accident ($11 toll fee included), and eventually made it to Coney Island. It wasn't a big deal. I dunno why I was surprised that there were buildings all the way to the island, like there was going to be some big expanse of grass or something. Then we went back to the airport and left.

Layover in DC. Got onto a shuttle to Farragut West. Saw The White House, Washington Monument, Jefferson Memorial, Smithsonian, etc. All of their buildings are lit up so it makes you feel like you're seeing so much at night even though it's really far away.

4-hour flight home.

Day 1

I have mixed emotions.

I had this picture in my mind of descending upon the endless skyline and falling in love and never wanting to leave. Well, I did love the skyline but I'm definitely not in love. It may be the fact that transportation is so utterly confusing if you're not a New Yorker. What you'd think would be an easy shuttle ride to downtown is actually a hellish nightmare for tourists. Angela and I both used the GPS's on our phones and we'd go the opposite direction to a destination EVERY TIME. Needless to say, we finally got back to the hotel in one piece.

Now for the fun stuff. We decided to get off the shuttle at the Grand Central Terminal just because it's the grand one, or whatever. We actually got lost down in those tunnels, too. We're awesome:). Anyway, we finally made it to Times Square and ate at a restaurant there that was way too expensive but what else should I expect? Then we went to a gigantic Toys 'R Us that had a ferris wheel and an animatronic dinosaur and CandyLand and WillyWonka and HotWheels and etc kids to the power of infinity. After that, we decided to see what coming really close to death felt like so we took a cab to Rockefeller Plaza. New York drivers (not just taxi drivers, all of them) are maniacs who could care less about your safety. It's constant honking and constant sirens. They go hand in hand. Since we lived, we went to the "Top of the Rock," which is the top of the Rockefeller Center. (sidenote: I realized as we were on the elevator going to the top of the building what 'top of the rock' meant. I previously thought it was just a random title. I'm dense.) After that, we watched a bunch of silly people try to ice skate, took pictures of Atlas trying not to shrug, and went into this badass cathedral. For me to call anything that involves god "badass" is huge, you know this. But really, I was in awe at the beauty of that place. Those Catholics definitely know how to impress. Architecture-wise, baha. Then we got lost in NY for at least an hour before we made it back to the hotel.

Oh, about our hotel. It's nice. It's also in Queens. Mmhmm. We got screwed and don't have the window facing Manhattan. We have the window facing the biggest cemetery I have ever seen in my life! (I have spent the entirety of my life sizing cemeteries across the world, FYI.) Biggest by the number of graves and by the size of those graves. We are going tomorrow to take pictures cause those are some epic tombstones.

P.S. Well, not so much P.S. but I wanted to say more and didn't know where to place it, so here: One of the reasons I do love this place is because it is so old. So much history. I love the decrepit subways(minus the odor). You can look up at the dangly fungus-looking shit on the ceiling and wonder how many decades it's been festering there. And about all the people who have walked under the festering fungus. I know that's probably disgusting to most people, but I loooove it. I also saw the best graffiti ever, too. I'll try to take pictures tomorrow.

I don't like this trend

I can't sleep. This happens once a week. I don't approve. And now my arms are itching so I've decided we must have couchbugs.

Teenage Dream

Follow Through

This is the start of something new, don't you agree?

Not a good new, though.

As each day passes, I realize more and more that common decency is deteriorating and will soon be an extinct human trait/ability. I know the world is a cold, hard place but you should be able to count on your family and friends. When you think about it, they're all you really have. Possessions do not count. They can't hang out with you, join you for dinner or a movie, help you through hard times, reason with you. The only worthy exception to that I can think of is books. Think about it, books are the thoughts, experiences, emotions, etc of a person so that's essentially the same thing. I'm open to suggestions of other things that can hug you when you're sad/happy/cuddly or slap you when you need a reality check .

All I'm saying is, personal connection is essential and if you treat the people closest to you like they're expendable, you'll end up losing everyone. And if you don't lose them, you'll certainly lose their respect and that's just as detrimental.

All I'm saying is, follow through.

P.S. So that you won't think I'm being hypocritical, I'm going to try my hardest to live up to my words because I know that I'm guilty of being indecent at times as well. G'night.

Since my previous entry posted the day before I posted it..

I feel compelled to write again!

Even though I have nothing intelligent or fun to say.

I just spent an hour going through places on Foursquare adding tags so that I can get more badges. I don't know what my addiction is. I think it's just a fun "time-passer." I don't know why I chose that term over a "way to pass the time" but it happened and that's how it will remain.

Jurica and I talked about sex tonight. Before dinner. During dinner. After dinner. Things can seem so simple and "laid back" until sex is brought into the equation and then all hell breaks loose. If the sex is bad, it's a done deal. Obviously. If it's decent, it's worth another try if you're bored. If it's great, it makes you question whether you really like that person more than you previously thought just because of the "sexual chemistry" you have. Good sex can take you from "eh, they're okay" to "hmm, I think I like them." People should just wait until they're married to experience all that confusion.

HAHAHA just kidding.

I used a lot of quotation marks just now. That just shows how "generic" I am, haha.

Goodnight, yo.

Jordan Snapka

Pancake Snapka in my phone. She saw that Angela was "Crocodile" and Reice was "Pepper" and Sherrie was "Indiana" and she wanted a nickname "like Pancake." So, Pancake it was and is.

If there's anyone I'm most similar to, it's Jordan. I know she'll read this and think to herself "ha, I don't think so" or "Krista really thinks that?"





Yep, I do. We're both extremely insecure about most things. We think things like: If I don't go out with my friends this Saturday, they'll forget me and never talk to me again. Or, _______ hasn't texted me in a week. They don't like me any more.


I exhaust Angela with thinking a different person each week doesn't like me anymore. Yet, the next time I see them, they're telling me how much they've missed me and such and then I feel better. Temporarily. For the night. I'm sure Jordan is the same way. In fact, I know she is.


She's literally created my taste in music. When we first hung out, she'd play Spill and Brand New and Death Cab and I'd try hard to shun them and for a while it worked. Now, they're three of my very favorite bands. I've seen Brand New twice, Spill Canvas three times, and Death Cab once. She'll make you a badass playlist and then you'll relay it to your friends and they'll think you're the finder of awesome music. Jk..sometimes. 8-)


If I could go back in time, I'd let the 18-year old Jordan know that she's beautiful and lovely and all that sweet talk. And that she'd become even more so with age. <3.>

P.S. I'd totally have written about you even if you didn't know about my blog! :)

I never take off my sunglasses, though.

I've worked at this job since last December. Not until this month have I kept my blinds open every day. It's only the 9th but please let me feel accomplished. (Thank you.) Up until about a month ago, I'd take naps almost every day during my lunch. Luckily, I have an office and a sleeping bag I brought from home. I dunno whose sleeping bag it is, but I'm thankful to whomever left it at one of the many previous parties I've hosted.

This is seemingly useless information but here's where I'll tie it together into the present time. My present state of being.

In retrospect, these actions showed a glimpse of how I was feeling. Always tired. Always writing. Only opening the blinds when it rained.

Since I've come out of my "funk" (I wish there were a more intellectual word to use), I've come into the light as well. I don't sleep on my lunches anymore. I close my door and turn off the lights only because I hate flat lighting. I read my book of the week from the soft, ever-changing light of my window.

I don't know if I prefer day to night or dark to light, but I do know I prefer this to that. (I wanted to rhyme with light and night but we can't always get what we want.)

Next Stop:

Anchorage.

Reice Raudry

Also known as Cameron to unwanted solicitors. I've known him since mid-2007, I believe. I officially met him through Jordan, but we actually became friends when he started working with me at Starbucks. In a lot of ways, he's my first real friend. He knew me solely as being gay whereas everyone before him knew me as the person who went from having a serious boyfriend to dating girls. He is a complete grammar whore and I love him for that because I try harder to speak to him more correctly than anyone else. Not that I don't speak well normally, but with him I go the extra distance to make sure I've added hyphens and such.

We've both watched each other in basically every single relationship we've ever experienced. I'm happy to say he's finally found someone worth his while. Worthy of him. He will treat Richard better than Richard's ever been treated, without a doubt. And I truly believe Richard will do the same. As with most people, Reice has chosen douchebags in the past (couldn't really put that nicely) and he's finally made his way through the dark! Like Jurica said, Richard doesn't drink the Dallas water; therefore, he's already better.

Since 2007, Reice has tremendously matured as a person. As have I, hopefully. As we continue to grow older, I hope we always remain friends. Before him, gay guys scared me because I thought they were all really judgmental and hated lesbians. Not that some aren't that way, but he's definitely not and he's helped a lot of his gay friends see that as well.

One day (quite soon), he and I will conceive millions of babies and spread our love all over the world and into the far galaxies of Jesus' kingdom!!!!!!!

In his words: that is all.

Currently Reading

Um yeah,

The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath.

"The only trouble was, Church, even the Catholic Church, didn't take up the whole of your life. No matter how much you knelt and prayed, you still had to eat three meals a day and have a job and live in the world."

The one time I've been proud to be a Warrior

Martin High School Lip Dub 2010 from Tricia Regalado on Vimeo.

Remember, Remember

Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin van-guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition.
The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous.
Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it's my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V.

Decisions, Decisions

Which hotel should I stay in?

A seemingly simple self-request

I would stop chewing my nails if I could. And when I say chew my nails, I mean my nails and the skin around them. I have gone through so many boxes of Band-Aids it's not even funny. I can't decide whether I have an oral fixation or if I'm just super-anxious all the time. I'm sure it's a little bit of both, as with all my self-assessments. I've done it since I can remember. I stopped for like a month about a year and a half ago. I went with my mom to the spa at the Gaylord Texan and the lady there laughed when I said I wanted french tips 'cause my nails were so weak and short. I was proud of them, though.

My addiction to nail-biting/finger-chewing has helped me realize the true meaning of "I would if I could." Life concepts don't always have to come from big, traumatic events.

Well, it's a little traumatic since Band-Aids are involved.

Extra! Extra!

I cannot stand celebrity news shows. I used to watch them because they were entertaining but I've since come to the conclusion that they are just straight-up creepy. I feel like celebrities must think the entire American population is obsessive over them when really, we aren't. These shows, magazines, blogs, etc. are just a minute form of entertainment. Access Hollywood gets high ratings because it comes on right before Glee. People Magazine has a zillion subscribers so that we can have pictures to look at while we wait for our dentist appointment. We're not really interested. It just passes the time between one event to the next.

I'm not saying that I wouldn't think it cool if I saw a famous person at the airport or something, but I wouldn't creep on them. The paparazzi give these bitches too much credit. It's sad they have to live their lives in seclusion because in reality, no one really cares about them (sans Michael Jackson, apparently). Hollywood has just created this bubble around them 'cause it's something to do. A distraction from their boring, monotonous lives.

Currently Reading

Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse.

"When someone is seeking...it happens quite easily that he only sees the thing that he is seeking; that he is unable to find anything, unable to absorb anything...because he is obsessed with his goal. Seeking means: to have a goal; but finding means: to be free, to be receptive, to have no goal."

Katie

you're just a product of loveliness

5

I was asked to write about what being gay means to me. I originally wrote something different, but I am going to rewrite that thought. What being gay means to me is openly being completely okay with what makes me happy. It took me a long time to come to the conclusion that I am this person, and I am no different than any other person. I grew up with very unaccepting parents. To this day, I still battle with my parents to accept me for who I am. As a child, I distinctly remember a book my mother gave me. “Strangers in a Christian Land.” She went through the book, highlighting various areas that she felt pertained to me, and could help me on my “journey to find god and my way back into the heterosexual lifestyle.” It was at that moment, in my 14-15 year old teenage body, that I decided I would never be anything other than what I felt was true and comfortable. I never looked back. Being gay to me means nothing more than being another person amongst the human race. Choosing to be gay isn’t anywhere in the equation, but choosing to be truly happy and loving whoever my heart desires to be with..that’s all that matters to me.

I'm aware that I have excessive bloggage issues,

but I like it.

I have childhood memories but the majority of them are only one sentence worth of memory.

For example:

I used to roller skate and I just remember how I'd brake. I'd jump off the rink and run into a carpet-covered apparatus that you could sit on.

I remember my dad took away my Carolina Mudcats mini baseball bat and threw it away because I kept hitting people.

I remember taking a spray bottle of water on the bus to school and spraying people and the bus driver made me go outside in front of everyone and empty it out.

The street that Nash Elementary was on was covered in lines of tar to cover the cracks. Squiggly black lines.

My sisters bedroom had a fire hazard sticker on the outside that read something like "In case of fire, this is children's room." (SUCH a bad idea in this day and age, fo' real.)

I used to cry at night because I'd see a doll hanging on my closets doorknob and for some reason I'd think it was my dad.

At a fishery in northwest Arkansas (it was actually quite beautiful), I'd purposefully step on every crack to fall and break my mamma's back.

I remember going to my uncle's best friend's wedding. He died in a big interstate accident on the way to coach a soccer game a few years later.

I remember "teaching" my cousins the F-word while visiting them in Paris. I told them not to repeat it. I went to the bathroom and as I was returning, they were both chanting it as loudly as they could. I also remember my aunt writing my mom about my bad language and my parents didn't believe it/care. Tehe O:).

I could go on forever.

MmHmmM!

"He that will not reason is a bigot; he that cannot reason is a fool; he that dares not reason is a slave." -William Drummond

Colgate Wisp

I've been cleaning my teeth with one for an hour. It feels good!

Hello, void.

Not being able to sleep is frustrating.