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You ask me what being gay means to me. As I plow through the words and phrases that cloud my mind upon the mention of this word, it’s inevitable that I come to this conclusion: being gay, to me, is a contradiction of terms. Now, before you start to judge, and question my belonging in the gay culture, hear out my explanation. One who comes out should automatically feel a sense of freeing. When I recall mentioning the idea of this word and its relation to me, I strongly remember feeling a sense of relief. However, as time went on I couldn’t help but feel trapped. When I first started delving into the gay community I realized that I didn’t necessarily fit in with the crowd. I’m a strong believer in equality. When I say strong, I’m understating my position on the subject. I believe all are created equal, not just gays, but blacks, Mexicans, Muslims, Christians, atheists, etc. Everyone deserves a chance at happiness. However, when you start setting yourself apart from the other minorities, as is natural, you do nothing more than create yourself unequal. The "gay" parties, and the "gay" dinners, and the "gay" friends were annoying to me. I know I sound as if I’m preaching, but please stick with me and I’ll level with you towards the end. Being gay suddenly became a cage, and I felt guilty to hang out with straight people. As I started to drift from my gay friends and became stronger friends with straight people, I couldn’t help but feel trapped in their group either. I can’t tell you how many times I heard the saying "I have no problem with gay people, as long as they don’t hit on me". Their ignorance and inability to see both sides of the equation aggravated me. Now to defend my honor and explain that I’m not at all preaching to you, I have come to realize that I can’t judge people on how they see the world, and I can’t stereotype gay people to all be the same. There are a few gay people I know who DON’T set themselves apart, just the same as there are a few straight people who could care less if I was gay, if I was straight, if I was bi, or even transsexual. But I can’t help to continue to feel trapped, not so much by those surrounding me anymore, but more by the thoughts consuming my mind. Fear of the future, of commitment, of uncertainty. Will I meet someone? Will I have kids? Will I lose my family? Am I really gay? If I come out, will people hate me? Being openly gay, an action that should bring one clarity and happiness, brings me happiness that is sadly overpowered by confusion and inner debate.